


My Love Is Just Waiting, To Clothe You In Crimson Roses

by my_lonely_angels



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-26
Updated: 2013-04-26
Packaged: 2017-12-09 13:36:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/774807
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/my_lonely_angels/pseuds/my_lonely_angels
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“M-Melody Pond” he begins to say, this isn't goodbye, he consoles himself, this is just in case.</p><p>she shouts across him as loudly as she can manage. “that’s not my name!”</p><p>The words ring in his ears, repeating themselves over and over again as he struggles to make sense of what she’s saying.</p><p>River takes a deep breath, “I’m not who you think I am” she begins in a hushed tone.</p>
            </blockquote>





	My Love Is Just Waiting, To Clothe You In Crimson Roses

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is like extreme angst, seriously, even the ending isn't happy. You're best to not read it, really.   
> But if you haven't turned away then the Fic's Title is from Skillet's Whispers In the Dark and was inspired by a really crazy dream I had.

 “Shut up and drive!” He hears River growl, shoving him towards the Tardis doors as she raises her gun and fires it into the depths of the field, smirking at the cry of pain that goes up.

The Doctor shakes his head at her, preferring to stand and watch her instead, sonic in one hand in case she needs his help. She stands confidently, her front foot firm as the back one’s heel digs into the ground below. The muscles in her right arm are taut, her hand steady while she points the gun as if it is just an extension of her arm. Her shoulders meanwhile are drawn back and the wisps of her hair passes over them, swaying in the breeze.

His River, he thinks to himself, poised to save him whenever he stumbles into the lair of a monster.

“Doctor!?” River hisses, glancing at him irritably.

The Doctor starts in surprise, glancing over himself as if he could find the source of her annoyance there. “Oh right, the leaving” He mumbles, looking back up at her with a sheepish grin.

From across the field he can just make out Jenny and Vastra, the sound of their swords slicing through the air reaching his ears. He hears rather then sees Strax from somewhere beyond the meter long grass, shouting for all the world to hear that laser monkeys would have been an excellent tactical advantage at this point, if only someone would listen.

The Doctor rolls his eyes, raising the screwdriver to deflect a stray sonic beam that passes by. It fizzles out of existence.

“Get Clara out of here!” River growls, giving him another firm push, this time with the barrel of her  gun. The question hasn't been asked yet, there’s still time to leave.  “I can take care of myself Professor Song !” They both hear an irate voice call out from behind the blue doors.

The Tardis hums skeptically in response. “Ugh!” Clara retorts, muttering something that sounds suspiciously like cow under her breath.

The Doctor exchanges a glance with River, both bursting into laughter and for a minute the seriousness of the situation is forgotten. No longer are they on the fields of Trenzalore, fighting two great forces under the darkness of the night sky as they seek to avoid the coming dawn. No longer does his fate, or the rest of the universe’s hang in the balance. For now it is just him and her, the Devil himself and Hell in High heels, laughing together as they always do.

He drinks in the sight of her, the way her face lights up and her teeth show above her bottom lip, the way her hair flies across her face in the wind. Her eyes dance in merriment, warming his soul like a candle and casting away shadows. The rest of the universe pales in contrast.

And then it all goes horribly wrong.

A lone Silent appears in the clearing  stepping out from behind the grass, hand raised. The Doctor watches in slow motion, unable to move fast enough fast enough. The Silent’s mouth opens wide. It stretches one long finger and a bolt of electricity sparks from it’s hand, shooting through the air like a whip to pass straight through the only thing in front of it.

The air crackles and burns, smell of burnt flesh lingering in the clearing. For a moment the wind picks up speed, whipping at hair and clothes alike.

River’s smile disappears and she gives a small cry of surprise, glancing down at herself as if she can’t quite believe it. A hole in her dress shows the extent of the damage, the skin that is visible is burnt and raw, blood seeping from the wound.

Her gun slips from her hand slowly and a circle of dust rises as it collides with the ground.

The Doctor watches in disbelief as his wife’s knees buckle and she crumples to the ground  one arm covering her abdomen, the other twisted above her head at an odd angle.

Time reverts to it’s normal speed after that and the laughter dies on the Doctor’s face as he gives a hoarse cry of “NO!” He runs to her, dropping to his knees beside her body and cradling her head in his arms. Her eyes are closed.

“RIVER?! RIVER!”  he roars, holding her close to him and willing her to wake.

Behind him he hears the Tardis doors swing open and a bewildered cry of “What’s going o-“ before it’s replaced with a shocked cry of alarm.

He doesn't have the words to explain at the moment, bending down to check if his wife is still breathing instead, “RIVER!? TALK TO ME!” he cries, tears streaming down his face, dripping onto the dirt beneath them as he pulls her into his lap.

She can’t die now  he thinks to himself, he’s watched her die already. The universe isn't so cruel to rewrite time for them, only to have her die once more. Is it? The question hangs there, gnawing at him as he waits. He places a hand over the wound, trying desperately to call on whatever regeneration energy he has to heal her, he’s done it before, surely it can work again.

Nothing happens, the familiar golden haze doesn't appear, the wound refuses to heal.

The Doctor lets out a growl of anger in response. “River” He says in a low moan.

Relief begins to wash over him as her eyelids flutter and she groans in pain, opening her eyes slowly. His heart freezes what little joy he had left as soon as he glimpses the tide of emotion in those blue-green eyes and the ghost of a smile on her face.

“No!” He chokes, shaking his head knowingly.

Above him Clara is screaming out to Jenny and Vastra, her voice wavering. He doesn't know what happened to the Silent, perhaps it crawled off and died somewhere. “Get Strax!” He tells Clara urgently. The only hope he has now lies in a psychotic potato dwarf.

“You don’t die here!” He growls fiercely  kissing the top of River’s forehead. “You can’t!”

River groans as she opens her mouth to speak, her hand brushing against his softly. “Time can be rewritten my love” she whispers.

“No!” He cries back adamantly like a small child, rocking her back and forward as he goes on, “Not us River, not one line!”

River opens her mouth to correct him, instead she gives a cry of pain, a lone tear trickling down her cheek. “I haven’t got much time” She chokes.

In the back of his mind he is aware of that, her face is white as ash and her eyes are dimming. He pushes the thought away. It doesn't happen like this, it can’t.

But it does, a quiet voice in the back of his head replies  time has been rewritten and these precious moments with her are slowly dwindling away.  “M-Melody Pond” he begins to say, this isn't goodbye, he consoles himself, this is just in case.

River cuts him off with a sharp jerk of her head, her eyes full of tears as she tries to turn away. “No, Doctor , don’t” she sobs.

“River” he tries once more before she shouts across him as loudly as she can manage. “that’s not my name!”

The words ring in his ears, repeating themselves over and over again as he struggles to make sense of what she’s saying.

“River what..” he starts to ask, thumb circling her cheek.

River takes a deep breath, blinking away her tears as she groans in pain once more, only just holding onto life.

“I’m not who you think I am” she begins in a hushed tone, sensing that he’s about interrupt she goes on quickly, “Please you need to hear this” she begs and though he is bewildered The Doctor nods, swallowing a fresh set of tears. River lets out a long sigh, her entire body trembling and as she begins to explain and he realises that she is relieved, relieved to tell him her story at last.

“I’m not Melody Pond. I never was. Melody died when she was 7 years old Doctor. In the orphanage Kovarian and the Silence housed many children, the children of Timelords stolen from their families and trained to become soldiers in their war. I was one of them.” She cuts off, looking up at him, her breathing more irregular as she waits for his reaction. His face is unreadable. “Go on” he whispers.

“Melody was always special to them, it was symbolic you see, the child of your best friends. She was  _my_  best friend.” River chokes, tears beginning to form again, she swallows them, forcing herself to go on. “They used to run tests on her,torture her, all sorts of things. But Melody wasn’t strong enough. She died Doctor, I-I found her lying on the floor in her room, she died in my arms” Briefly she shuts her eyes, as if the memory of it is to painful to bear.

The Doctor watches her closely, his mind in a complete daze. He can’t determine whether she’s hallucinating or not. He wants to hold her close and tell she’s dreaming, but the words die in his throat.

“I didn’t know what to do” River says softly after a moment, “But I knew that they’d just take one of the other children, hurt them in the same way. So I did the only thing I could. Knowing I had some sort of control over my ability to regenerate I ended one life and began another, changing so that I looked just like her. I buried her body. No one would have noticed if I went missing, but not her” Her voice was becoming fainter now.

“Stop, River, just Stop!” The Doctor begins quietly, stroking her hair as he whispers, whatever she was saying, he didn’t want to believe in it, it was a far sadder tale than the one he had been led to believe, and that was something he couldn’t deal with.

She catches his hand, her fingers feebly grasping his wrist as she murmurs “Please, you have to know. I can’t die without you knowing”

“You’re not going to die” He hisses back.

She smiles at his refusal to accept the inevitable, “Rule one” she says before pressing on with much more purpose, “Suddenly Melody seemed stronger to them, her health improved and it looked like the Silence could win their war. They no longer needed the other children, so they sent them all home.” She pauses and for a moment he can see her eyes soften with joy at the memory.

“And then Amy found me” her voice quietens again. “I’d seen the picture of her enough times to know, Melody used to say that her mother was always going to come and get her. I was so scared to face her, knowing what I knew.”

“So you ran” The Doctor finishes for her, kissing the top of her forehead once more.

“how could I ever tell them what had happened? Amy and Rory? So I did the only thing I could after I regenerated again, I ran away to Leadworth and grew up with them. I owed them that much.”

“And to finish the Silence’s work”

She nods, reaching up briefly to touch his cheek. “I blamed you for what had happened, this war was against you and it cost Melody her life. I was trying to avenge her. But then I saw how you fought to save Amy and Rory and I understood then...” she breaks off, shuddering. “I fell so cold” she whispers, eyes widening like a child’s. She glances down at herself and then at him, shivering in his arms.

The Doctor hugs her to him, hushing her as he asks over his shoulder, “where’s Strax?”

“I don’t know!” Clara cries back, her voice rife with panic, “The other two are looking for him, Doctor we should move her to the...”

“It’s too dangerous to move her!” The Doctor retorts, “We need Strax and that machine of his” cursing loudly he turns back to River, “keep telling me” he says in a low voice. If he can keep her talking long enough she’ll be able to hold on.

River sighs, “I brought you back because I saw your compassion, and because Melody never wanted anyone yo suffer. She never hated anyone in her life Doctor, not you, not Kovarian, not even the Silence.”

“And you lived her life?” He asks incredulously  He is well accustomed to using other identities but to spend a whole life as a different person?

River nods, “From Melody Pond I became River Song. At first it seemed easy, everyone would be happier this way and I was used to going under different aliases by then. But the more I read in that University the more I fell in love with you.” She ducks her head, “I wasn't living her life anymore, I stole it. You married me because you thought I was her.”

“That’s not why I...” He begins  to reply but she cuts across him, “River Song, Melody Pond. To you two sides of the same coin. I knew the truth. Now please, let me go on”

From behind him The Doctor hears the sound of a sword being flung into the ground followed by Jenny’s cry of, “Right,either we take ‘er to a hospital of we wait or Strax!”

“It’s too late my dear” He hears Vastra whisper back, no doubt thinking that he can’t hear. No, she was wrong.

“Demon’s run Doctor” River croaks now, and he noticed that she hasn’t used any of her usual endearments since she started explaining.  “I let you believe that I didn’t go when you called because it could rewrite time. The truth is I couldn't bear to see Melody, happy and healthy and with her parents when I knew that she’d never have that again. Lying to Amy and Rory was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, only after lying to you, Doctor. I stood and watched as Melody’s parents, who I’d convinced myself were mine, disappeared back in time and  all the while Amy thought that I was her daughter.”

The Doctor pauses, mulling over her story with a mixture of shock and sorrow. He has no anger, harbors no ill thoughts towards the woman dying in his arms, how can he?

“You’re not Melody then” he states finally.

“No” River returns in a solemn whisper, I have no name, no home and no parents. I stole a life and lied to everyone, even myself....You must despise me for that”

The Doctor thinks over her words, pulling her just a little closer as she winces in pain. He thinks of all the pain he thought she had been through, realising now that that was just the tip of the iceberg. The years they have spent running and laughing and loving means that much more to him.

Gently he leans down, pressing his lips against hers. He sees her eyes widen after he’s pulled back and shifts a stray curl off of her face. “You daft woman” He begins with a grin  “You are River Song, you always have been.” He pauses to gather his thoughts before going on, “You never stole her life, someone else did. You made your own. And you are loved, by so many and so much, and by no one more than me.”

A small noise escapes her throat, somewhere between joy and relief.

It dawns on him now how much more amazing she really is, “You could have let someone else take Melody’s place, but you didn’t. At any one time after that, any time you could have just walked away.”

“ Because I was selfish” She cries, burying her face in his jacket. “Because I couldn't give you up!”

“You’re more like the Ponds then you know” The Doctor whispers with a heavy laugh. He lost them, and now he must lose her too?

The thought occurs to him that Amy might never have been able to move on, had she of known the truth. River may have thought herself selfish, but to him it was just the opposite.

“I need you to do something for me,” He goes on in a quiet voice, ancient eyes blazing now.  “Don’t die. Just Don’t. Ok?” he asks, wiping away fresh tears with the back of his hand furiously.

River smiles, opening her mouth to reply. A snide voice cuts across her however, “I’m afraid she can’t do that Doctor!”

The Doctor’s hands clench into fists as he looks up slowly amidst Clara’s angry cry of, “Who are you?” And the sound of Jenny and Vastra picking up their swords once more.

Madam Kovarian stands before him in a crisp black jacket and skirt, eyepatch in place and hair scraped back. She stares down at him with a sickeningly triumphant grin that makes him wonder just how he must look to her, knelt in the dirt and cradling his dying wife in his lap. How utterly broken h is, and that is what she wants.

Kovarian speaks again, addressing river now, “That’s quite a story. I don’t know why I didn’t realise it before.” She sneers as she goes on, “You were number 7 weren’t you? Yes we didn’t miss you at all dear.”

“Don’t you dare” The Doctor hisses, his whole body shaking as he meets her gaze. Kovarian regards him coolly, “Or what Doctor? You’re not in a position to threaten me. You’ve lost everything now. Your precious companions are dead and despite Amy’s attempt to kill me, I’m still here. Their daughter died a long time before they did and oh, look, even your wife is breathing her last.”

The Doctor ignores her, turning to glance behind him with a dangerous calmness to him. Jenny and Vastra stand to one side, swords pointed at Kovarian. Clara meanwhile is hovering on the spot, glancing from Rive and The Doctor to the fields behind them anxiously.

“Where is Strax?” He asks for a third time his voice low, deadly.

Kovarian answers his question unexpectedly  “You mean that little potato headed thing?” she asks with a dark chuckle.

The Doctor turns back to her in time to see two Silent’s step out from the towering grass, one of them holding a small figure in a blue suit of armour. The Silent drops the figure onto the ground in front of them, stepping backwards and dusting himself off.

“Unhand me!” Strax cries, despite the fact tat he has already been unhanded.

“We found him in the fields, fiddling with this” another, much smaller object falls to the ground beside Strax, a strange device that is now nothing more than a mangled heap of metal.

Behind him Clara lets out a low moan, Vastra meanwhile hisses in outrage.

The Doctor stares at the device silently, swallowing hard.

“Do you know what you’ve done?” He begins in a quiet voice  the rage bubbling at the surface of his skin.River tries to talk him out of it,softy whispering for him to stop.  He ignores her however, “If time is rewritten there’s no telling what the consequences are, for any of us!”

He expects a snide remark from Kovarian, about how that doesn't matter to her, instead she laughs sinisterly and replies in a way that chills him to the bone, “But I haven’t re-written time”

The Doctor blinks, looking up at her once more, “She doesn’t die here!” He hisses defiantly, but all the while he feels the hairs on the back of his neck start to stand up.

Kovarian’s whole body shakes in barely contained laughter, she tilts her head to the side as stares down at him as if he is a particularly stupid child. She begins to count something  on her fingers, showing him as she does so. “The first was a joy, the second a privilege. But tell me something Doctor, what’s it called if I fool you a third time?”

The Doctor’s entire body goes rigid, his mouth runs dry and the seconds tick by as he stares at her. A small cry of protest escapes his lips. He glances from River, her life ebbing away from her and then back at Kovarian  picturing the day River Song had died in he library. It couldn’t be. That was beyond cruel, the universe was not that evil.

“A ganger” he whispers hoarsely, holding his head in his hands as he growls, “I watched her die In front of me....”

“And now” Kovarian says with a cold smile, “You get to do it again”

She turns to glance at the field behind her, relishing at something he can’t see over the grass. “It’s dawn, Doctor. Today is the Fall. The Fall of the Eleventh.”

As soon as she has said it he feels a change in the air. The wind stills and an eerie quiet descends over the clearing. A white light envelops them suddenly, bathing them all in its glow. Through it The Doctor glances down at River, the trace of a smile on her lips.

He smiles back. Today will bring about the end of both of them. And one more life if he wishes it.

As the glow upon the field disappears The Doctor reaches behind him, picking River’s blaster and bringing it around until it is aimed at Kovarian’s forehead.

The Silence’s faithful servant laughs highly, raising an eyebrow. “You wouldn’t kill me Doctor.” She snorts.

The Doctor’s eyes narrow, “Right now, neither of us can say for sure” He replies coldly.

His finger brushes over the trigger, a voice in his head egging him on to do so. After everything that’s happened, he can’t possibly let her live. What she did to Amy and little Melody and River. No, she doesn’t deserve life if all she brings is death.

He jerks back in surprise as a hand, smaller then his curls around his own, forcing the gun down to point at the ground instead.  Shocked, he looks down. River stares back, her expression unreadable. Slowly, she shakes her head. The gesture leaves him speechless, this was River, his River who could make a dalek beg for mercy and afterwards not bat an eyelid. River who had killed scores of Silents, River who shot first and asked questions later.

And here she was, asking him to spare the life of the woman who had destroyed hers and everyone she cared about.

“For Melody” She whispers, swallowing.

He nods slowly, letting the gun clatter to the floor once more, “For Melody” he repeats.

“Yes, well as touching as this all is” Kovarian drawls from somewhere above them. “Time presses on Doctor, it even runs out so to speak” She sniggers at her own joke, “Even for you.”

This is it, he thinks, both he and River will die here, and the universe will end as his own secret is revealed  He’s run from this moment his whole life, how strange to feel a sense of calm wash over him. The Doctor looks up  and sees for the first time, the dawn of a new day, and perhaps the last day. The sky is a deep crimson, a sign of the bloodshed that has brought them to this field. Crimson he thinks to himself, many things are crimson, wine, blood, roses.... a thought occurs to him suddenly.

“Clara!” The Doctor calls over his shoulder  He hears her step forwards quickly, to stand beside him, “Yes Doctor?” She asks as he begins to rise, half supporting, half carrying River as he forces her to do the same. She cries out in pain and he winces in response  it’s no use, it has to be done. Clara helps him do so, holding onto River as well until the three of them stand side by side, the two on the outside holding up the one in the middle.

A slow  bitter smile creeps across the Doctor’s face as he turns to Clara, watching her brown hairs swirl in the slight breeze as she glances in turn at him. Spotting his smile she frowns, no doubt thinking that he has lost the plot.

 “Ask me” He begins, pausing to take a deep breath.”My name” he finishes.

A chorus of “NO!”  escapes from the lips of his wife and his friends, all except Clara who mirrors his expression with one of her own. From the corner of his eye he can see Kovarian leaning in forwards, anticipating his death.

Clara opens her mouth, and in a loud voice that carries across the wind she asks, “Doctor Who?”

Everyone seems to hold their breath, some in horror and others in eagerness. The Doctor swallows remembering Dorium’s words, “When no creature can speak falsely or fail to answer, a question will be asked.” He turns then, bending down the brush River’s curls away and whispers his name in her ear.River’s eyes widen, and then go soft.

Above them he hears the angry roar of thunder as if the heavens are about to split. Forks of purplish lightening light up the dawn sky, illuminating the rich crimson clouds. The wind picks up quite suddenly, howling across the fields of of trenzalore. And through all of it the doctor laughs.

“WHAT?” Kovarian demands to know. “WHAT IS IT?”

The Doctor chuckles darkly, “You should know, you helped plan it all”  With that he dismisses her, condemning her to never knowing what has just happened. “Everyone into the Tardis now!” He roars, tuning to see if Clara is still there  She might have saved them all, he’ll remember to thank her later.

She nods once, stumbling along as she helps him carry River, Jenny and Vastra holding open the doors for them as Strax moves to stand next to the box, his gun pointed threateningly at the Silents behind them. Over the howl of the wind Kovarian cries out again, “WHAT HAPPENED?!”  The Doctor shuts his eyes and ignores her, allowing himself a moment to delight in the fact that she’ll never know.

The wind suddenly drops and he knows he is inside the Tardis doors. He opens his eyes and sure enough the console room stares back.With Clara helping him he carries River up to the console laying her down gently beside it as the other three clamber in after them. River lets out a soft sigh. “She knew” she whispers, her face pressed to the cold floor. “She knew who I was, but she never tried to tell you” The Tardis hums in response as the Doctor places one hand on the console reverently, “Of course not” he chuckles, “thanks old girl”

“Doctor” Clara cuts in quietly. He and River both look up. “Are you going to explain what the hell just happened?”

His expression changes, and he glances down at River, a pained expression on his face. She nods in response, letting him know that she understands.Painfully she lifts her face off the floor so that she can glance at Clara “He told me his name” She whispers, “Because I’m going to die. And when I do, he’ll be the only one left who knows.” The Doctor steps forwards, sitting beside her and holding her hand. He only manages a tight smile, “I love you” He murmurs, “I love you too” she replies.

And with that River closes her eyes, a small sigh escaping her lips, the last of her breath. Her head drops back down onto the console floor.

“No!” The Doctor chokes, pulling her towards him and holding her in his arms again. “Don’t.please!” He cries, shaking her. River lies there, as lifeless as a rag doll and the Doctor lets out one last cry of anguish. River had been the one to stand with him when Amy and Rory died standing so tall and straight when he crumbled, she held his hand through those long days when the Tardis felt so big, and so empty.He shared everything with River, even his greatest secret. And now she was gone.

He’s barely aware that Clara is sitting beside him quietly, patiently waiting for the crying to subside. He’s not sure he can take anyone’s words of comfort at the moment, or their pity. Clara brings neither however, “We need to find a spot, somewhere she’d like”

“For what?” The Doctor asks, a bit harsher then he means as he wipes away his tears. No one must see him like this, he thinks to himself, no one ever will again.

“To bury her” Clara replies calmly.And the Doctor is suddenly very grateful for the  brunette’s presence.

He nods. “You’re right”

~.~

It’s a small funeral, he thinks to himself, far too small. Jenny and Vastra are huddled to the side while Strax stands much further back ,as though out of place.

He chose the right bank of a river as the place of burial, he thinks she would have liked that. She would have laughed. It’s so strange, he thinks to himself. Just yesterday he was facing his own death, and she had been there as a battle raged on. Yesterday his greatest secret was unearthed. Today he buries it with River.

Clara is beside the Doctor, glancing at him every few minutes but for the most part her attention is fixed on the gravestone before them. An ornate cross carries the name River Song on it. The Doctor thinks it’s fitting, for such an enigmatic being, who carried secrets till the very end. She’s a mystery even in Death.

Death. The word sneaks up on him every time he thinks he can bear it, seizing both his hearts and squeezing the hope out of him. Hope that she lives, hope that she’ll come back to him again. Try as he might there is one thing he can’t shake from his mind. How the river in the library knows his name if she is this River’s ganger. He ponders that thought long after the others have left, when only Clara still stands by his side. How could that River have known.

Kovarian’s words come back to him, something about fooling him three times. There’s something important about that, his mind insists. Kovarian used the same trick numerous times, he did the same....

“I’m so stupid” He says out loud,  clapping a hand to his forehead. “Stupid Doctor”

Clara starts in alarm, glancing at him wearily.

Without waiting to explain he grabs her hand and breaks into a run, heading for the familiar blue box parked on top of the hill behind them.

“Doctor what the hell are we doing?” Clara demands to know.

The Doctor laughs, “you’ll see”

He pushes open the Tardis doors and finally lets go of Clara, bounding up to the console and rapping on it impatiently, “Come on old girl,” The Tardis whirrs in reply, a circular hole beside The doctor’s hand opens up to reveal  “Neural relay, and still at full bars!”He exclaims, grabbing the small white object off the console and proudly waving it at Clara.

The brunette cocks her head to the side, “What is that?” She asks.

“I saved her, again, without knowing it, oh I am a genius!” e prances around the console, pressing buttons and pulling levers, “When she died the first time, I saved her memories into a neural relay and then uploaded it to the core of a super computer, well a super computer that was actually a little girl. Anyway” He waves his hands as Clara opens her mouth to interrupt, “My future self, which is now my present self started working on the neural relay that I was going to hide in a screwdriver. This is the neural relay. River died there,” He swallowed,gesturing to the floor, “The relay stored her memories and the Tardis was able to preserve it so that I can do this!” He flicks another lever and the Tardis gave a lurch, spinning through the vortex.

“What are you doing?” Clara cried out as she was swung too and fro. “You’ll see!” the Doctor cried back excitedly as he held onto the console, the relay firmly grasped in one hand.

Clara grits her teeth as the Tardis materialises once more, shoving her fingers into her ears and scrunching up her face. As soon as they’ve landed the Doctor is dragging her out of the doors again and into what looks to be a corridor. The walls and floors are a pristine white and the smell of chemicals lingers in the air. “Is this a hospital?” Clara asks, glancing around at the corridor.

“Not quite” The doctor replies, leading the way. He almost walks into a man in a military uniform  as they reach a curve in the passageway. The doctor apologises  dusting himself off and he reaching into his pocket to extract the physic paper. “I’m Dr John Smith, and this is the uh,” He glances hesitantly over his shoulder at Clara, “nurse, Clara.” he finishes. Clara huffs in reply.

At once the man nods, gesturing behind him, “the wards are just down there”

The Doctor pats him on the back as he passes by, tucking the paper back into his jacket. Clara follows quickly.  “John Smith?” She asks, “seriously?”

“Yes Seriously!” he cries back with a toss of his head. He gestures for her to follow, giddy with excitement. Clara trails behind him, more cautiously, her arms crossed. He knows it must look like he’s completely lost his mind.

She’ll see soon enough.

“Here we are” He murmurs stopping abruptly in front of a steel door with a porthole like window. He leans forwards, one hand tentatively caressing the door handle as he peers into the room beyond.

“What? What is it?” Clara asks from behind him, attempting to see for herself.

The Doctor opens the door after a moments hesitation and steps into the room, Clara slipping in after him before he can close it again. The room is lit from above by an exceedingly bright spotlight, making them both cringe as it bounces off the white washed walls. In the center of the room is a hospital bed, upon which a figure lies in a plain blue gown, blonde curls cascading over the pillow. Despite the monitor that she is hooked up to, and the various tubes running out of her arms, the woman isn’t alive, she does not breathe, she never did.

“Doctor” Clara begins slowly from behind him, “That’s River” She finishes, moving to stand next to the bed. She glances down at the woman, confusion printed on her features, “How can she be here?”

The Doctor says nothing for a full minute, striding over to stand at the other side of the bed, one hand toying with the blonde curls splayed out on the covers. “It’s a doppleganger” He begins to explain, “A flesh avatar. They’ve stabilised this one. All it needs are memories, and life...” He cuts off with a heavy sigh.

“You’ve lost me” Clara returns.

“It’s like cloning. Sort of, this sort of duplication begins in the 22nd century, but by the 51st” The Doctor gestures to the body lying between them, “It’s perfected. A single hair or skin sample is all that’s needed.” He realises that they must have taken that when they put her back in that suit, forcing her to lie in wait at the bottom of Lake Silencio.

He turns to the monitor behind him, reaching into his pocket to extract the neural relay.The top bar blinks continuously  “Kovarian thinks it was her that fooled me” He flashes Clara a bitter smile before plugging the relay into the monitor. “But I deceived myself, as usual”

The monitor shudders into life, whirring as the screen lights up. He revolves on the spot, facing the bed once more, watching as the woman’s chest begins to rise and fall. Silently he wipes a lone tear from his cheek.  It’s still her, he tells himself, she’s still alive.

He reaches into his pocket once more, this time pulling out the sonic and pointing it at the various tubes and belts and buckles that keep her shackled to the bed. Her eyes still haven’t opened. The Doctor pockets the sonic, bending down to press his lips chastely against hers. “Be amazing” whispers as he straightens up, fixing his bowtie and hastily arranging his features into a smile. He hold his hand out to Clara, “And off we go”

“That’s it?” Clara asks, bewildered as she takes his hand and they run out of the room, amid the sound of an alarm going off and the flashing of a red light above the door.”We’re just going to leave her there? You brought her back to life and just left her?” He doesn’t miss the hint of outrage in her voice.She stops as soon as they are out of the room, trying to swing him back round to the door. “Oh no we’re not!”

He spins round to face her, positively seething now. Doesn't she understand how hard it is already? “Yes, we are.” He growls back every emotion he’s feeling, every ounce of pain and regret spilling out for her to hear, “Because it’s better this way. River will find her own way out, she always does. And she will never know that she died, and she’ll go on with her life and for once Clara I won’t cost her anything. For however long she has left. Until one day, maybe tomorrow, maybe in a hundred years, I’m going to find her again, and she’ll go off to a Library to sacrifice herself to save me. Because that is what I am Clara, don’t let the name fool you I certainly don’t save people. I cause their deaths.” He stops, breathing harshly as he glimpses the anger and uncertainty on her face. He must look exactly the same to her he thinks.

“Now, tell me Clara Oswald, do you still want to travel with me?” He asks, taking a step towards her so that he is staring down at her, both forgetting the sound of the alarm behind them. Clara meets his gaze defiantly. “Yes” She replies, lifting her head up higher.

The Doctor nods, “Good” he replies, “because we’re not done yet”

~.~

The Tardis materialises out of sight, safely hidden behind an old pine tree, the only one on the grounds. The Doctor steps out first, glancing at his surroundings with a watchful eye. He signals for Clara to follow him and she too steps out the doors, tapping him on the shoulder and pointing at something off to their left.

He’s spent most of the trip there explaining to her the events he thought had occurred  and those that had actually happened. She doesn’t object to their trip here, on the contrary she had been the one to convince him. 

“Ok” Clara mutters now as they stride across the dying lawn, she gulps, “What do I say?” She asks.

The Doctor gestures airily with his hands, “How should I know?” He replies in frustration.

His face breaks into a hasty smile as the girl in front of him looks up, her eyes wide with fear. She’s dressed in an old white nightgown,her hair tied up in two plaits.

“Hi there” He says softly  kneeling down as he reaches the girl. She steps back in shock, nearly falling into the hole that she’s obviously just dug, a miraculous feat in his opinion. The Doctor catches her before she can fall, chuckling. “Always needing me to catch you when you fall ey?” His smiles fades as the girl frowns in confusion, hugging her nightgown to her.

He lets go of her, turning to Clara instead, silently appealing for her to help him.Mercifully, she does just that. The brunette takes a step forwards, crouching down so that she is level with the girl. “Hello” She says with a cheerful wave. The girl waves back. “Did you dig this by yourself?” She asks. “Yes” the girl admits after a second. She immediately covers her mouth with her hands, “You’re not going to tell anyone are you?” She asks, hands muffling her voice.

Clara shakes her head, “No, of course not”

“It’s ok, we’re here to help you” The Doctor adds.

He’s surprised as the girl laughs sarcastically, “Yeah I’m sure you are” she retorts. “well where were you when she died?” She points one shaky figure at the rolled up carpet beside the hole. “no one was there to help me then!” she freezes where she is, realising what she’s just said. A small moan escapes her lips and she bursts into tears.

The Doctor shifts uneasily  reaching out to embrace her and then pulling back, unsure of what to do. Clara meanwhile hushes her softly, “It’s ok,”

“No, it’s not. You’re going to tell Kovarian aren't you?”

“NO!” Clara cries loudly, “No we’d never do that!”

“then why are you here?”

“To help you bury her” The Doctor mumbles.

The girl fixes him with such a stare as if she can see right through him, her tears ceasing. All of his merits and failures, imperfections and successions are laid out for her, like he is a book. It unnerves him that she can do that, even now.

“Thank you” She says simply.

He buries Melody for her after that, throwing his jacket onto the floor as he picks up the tiny form of his best friends child, the girl he thought he knew, but never really did. Gently he places her into the grave, shoveling the soft dirt onto the carpet. Behind him the girl with no name sobs, burying her face in Clara’s dress. The Doctor’s hearts weep with her. After the work is done he stands back silently, staring at the small mound.

“I’m going to make it right” says a small, angry voice next to him.

The Doctor glances at her sideways, knowing exactly what she means. Nevertheless he asks, “How?”

The girl fixes him with a cold stare, full of purpose, “I’m going to kill the Doctor”

He feels the strangest desire to laugh. “Killing isn't the only way”  
“That’s all I’m good for” The girl snaps back.

The Doctor tilts his head, they see themselves the same way, River and he. He opens his mouth, replying in a way that he knows will seal the endless loop between them.

“Perhaps” he answers, speaking to himself and not her.

And then he does laugh, for he has deceived himself once more.


End file.
